Low points

It is going on 4 months since I last posted to this blog. I suppose there are a number of reasons, but paramount is a lack of desire to share what has been going on in my life and an inability to gather my thoughts in an organized way to put them down on paper. I really haven’t been able to assemble my thoughts for a while now, and I really can’t say why. Work has taken its toll on me for sure. In fact, I am at a low point in my interest in work right now.  I realize what I do is mostly un-notable. It has little to no impact on those around me, and it really isn’t even a blip on the radar of notable activity. Never in my life have I felt like my work is so useless than I do now. I hate retail. I am sorry I ever chose to be a part of it

I am at a low point in my self esteem, a low point in my relationships with others, and at a low point in my expectations of my waning years’ prospects. I do not understand how to estimate my assets, how to estimate my retirement, and certainly am as uncertain of the future as anyone in this country.

I am sure my mental situation is due in large part to the stroke I had 6 years ago. I know I am very fortunate to have come through that experience as intact as I did, but there certainly were changes in my mental and physical abilities. I also believe, although I haven’t researched it enough to know for sure, that the medications I am on is having a large effect on my ability to think clearly, to respond to and to be rational in all situations.

I feel life coming unraveled and I see the little remaining time I have lift as bleak and dark. I thought for a while that I had found a way to bring happiness back, but as time creeps on I see it slipping from my grasp.

In spite of being surrounded by friends and family I feel alone. I realize that the isolation is a product of my own actions. I have slowly become more reclusive and guarded with my feelings and desires. I have pulled myself into a shell in order to protect myself and now that shell is suffocating me. I don’t want to end my life. I can’t imagine someone getting to a point where they want to end their life, but I also am afraid of the future. I have always experienced by best moments when I have been giving to others. That took a real blow a few months ago when I got burned by a scammer. Not on my computer, but in real life. I stopped to help someone and got taken. I know it happens all the time, but it hurt me.

I have no idea if anyone reads this anymore, but if someone does, and is a Bible scholar they will remember the apostle Paul was brought before Porcius Festus the procurator of Judea and King Marcus Julius Agrippa I in his last final hearing after being arrested for preaching about Jesus as the Christ. Acts 25 & 26 records the exchange between this most famous of all apostles and these sympathetic but bound by law authorities. After listening to Paul speak about his conversion and his belief in Christ Festus responded with “Paul, thou art beside thyself; much learning doth make thee mad.”

I feel I have reached that point. Paul denied being “mad” but I am not so bold. Paul had a more secure faith in what he knew. I realize that because of the knowledge so available some 2000 years later I know a lot more about the world than Paul did, but I may know a lot less about God than Paul knew. In Paul’s day little was known about the world in which he lived, and greater faith was placed in the just recent life of this man called the Christ. While I have not lost my faith in Christ, I know a lot more about the world and some of the things thought and written some 2000 to 3000 years ago have been found to be incomplete. It isn’t that they were wrong, but the descriptions they used do not fit with our knowledge today. So my faith in Christ is different than Paul’s by 2000 years of accumulated knowledge.

My life long pursuit has been to reconcile scripture to science. While it has become very clear to me, I see the Christian world around me gnashing their teeth at science and holding up 2000 year old documents as truth. And that hurts me because I believe it hurts God. In this country more than anywhere else in the world, the Christian believers are divided into camps that draw lines around their doctrines and beliefs and call to all to come join them, but then press them to conform to their own doctrines and beliefs. Most of those groups hold to a very literal interpretation of canon scripture.

I am weary of Protestantism, sadden by Judaism, and afraid of Islam. Hinduism, Baha’i, Buddhism, Confucianism, Shinto, and all the rest are aberrations that I do not see as viable. Their gods are not on the same level as the God portrayed in the big three.

But of all the religions, Protestantism is the most divided and convoluted of all. I am weary of that. Too many self proclaimed theological experts that do not have understanding of things around them proclaiming truth.

I think I’ll have a latte with my theology. And a sticky bun would be nice as well. Thank you.

I will post about my two trips to Metro Ministries in Brooklyn NY soon. Great trips. Loved them.

Another Mission trip

I have at various times labeled myself with descriptors of how I see myself. One that I come back to often is enabler or facilitator. I have never felt like a leader in many arenas I have found myself in, but in some I have been comfortable enough to do what I believe was a decent job of leading. The most comfortable place I have been in leadership has been in a Sunday school setting. I had reached a point of reasonable comfort in leadership in worship services. I never really got completely comfortable in teaching computer classes even though I taught for about 8 years. Computers move so quickly I never felt like I was as up to date as I needed to be. I was also never totally comfortable when it was my lot to be in leadership of an EMS call.

I was AIC, attendant in charge, and incident command on a number of calls during my time with EMS, but I can say with certainty I was always nervous about it. The most inadequate I ever felt in such a position was as incident command on a two vehicle high speed accident. I was at the squad building with two EMT certified junior members one evening after dark when we were requested to respond to a motor vehicle accident. On the way I told one of the junior members that the intersection we were going to had the potential of being a very bad accident. It turned out to be very bad.

We had two women with serious injuries and a young girl with life treating injuries and she was unresponsive. Plus the young girl needed to be extricated. I was told later that other personnel who responded said the criticalness of the accident was very apparent in my voice. Yes, I was very scared.

I mention all of that because I am now in my 60s and have learned to be calmer about things that come my way in spite of how uncertain things look.

In a few days I again am facing an adventure that I am a bit nervous about. I believe the adventure has the potential of being very rewarding and hopefully a lot of fun.

A couple of months ago I decided to take a few days of vacation and with my schedule in hand I planned to be off work from December 8^th through the 14^th. I tried to think of something I wanted to do that would be interesting, enlightening, somewhat entertaining, and certainly enjoyable. I looked at many possibilities and got the idea in my head to go to New York City, specifically to Brooklyn, and see if I could be of any help to Bill Wilson’s Metro Ministries.

As I thought about the trip and what I might do and began to obtain information I decided to open the opportunity up to my church in case others would like to go along. At one point I had 13 who wanted to go and it looked like more would join us. Well, because of the short notice most found they had conflicts they couldn’t resolve, mostly work. So tonight, Sunday night before leaving on Wednesday morning, I am down to going myself. I came full circle.

But, because of the things I have experienced along the way, I am still very excited about going. I would like to have another guy or two along so I don’t have to eat out or sightsee or work alone, but it’s OK. I am not going to let being alone stop me. I plan to find a number of small pizza places where I can get NY style pizza and subs. I plan to do some sight seeing and that will most likely mean riding buses and the subway, alone. But I’ve done that in big cities before. I know how to act and how to remain inconspicuous. I’ll be fine. Might freeze, but should be fine otherwise.

My biggest hope is that I get to spend some time with Bill Wilson so that I get to know him better. I also want to talk about his latest endeavor of opening a Sunday school in the largest slum in the world, Kibera in Nairobi, Kenya. I have seen Kibera from the outside, and ripped my heart. Estimates run as high as nearly a million people living in this one slum area. It is estimated that 2.5 million people live in slums through Kenya.

I have been to Kenya twice to work at a seminary in Kima, 55 miles south of Nairobi. I loved the country and the Kenyans. I have been told Swahili is the easiest language to learn. I’d like to try.

So when I return from NYC I’ll have some pictures to post and maybe some great things to say about my trip. If you want more info on Metro Ministries look here: http://www.metroministries.org/

More in a few days.

Missed Callings

In growing older one of the things that seems to get better with the years is one's ability to understand many things that were once a mystery. As I have gotten older, and have begun to really focus my thought processing on what I believe, I find some things becoming clearer.

I have lost  much of the awe and respect I once had for people that I saw as special messengers of God. Some I still hold in esteem, but many others I find have not had a calling to the task they have undertaken. As an example, I know of people, men and women, who seem to have a definite gift or talent or in church talk “a calling” for certain ministries. And they do a good job. But if they expand their reach and try to fill a role of a different ministry they often find themselves out of their depth.

When these well meaning people step out of their gifting and talent areas they often struggle and sometimes actually fail to make sense of the new role. And often the failure is coupled with shame and or embarrassment because of the failure. And they will sometimes question themselves because they were used to success in their calling. And if they don't have quick and solid support they can talk themselves out of the calling they answered in the beginning.

I don't believe anyone should feel like they have failed in an endeavor after being successful in another. In fact I would counsel anyone wanting to spread out and apply themselves to different ministries or avocations to be very cautious. In ministry especially I believe there will be markers to indicated if we are being called to other areas.

Because I know myself better than anyone else I have to use my experience as an example. I began to teach in a Sunday school at the age of about 25. I was not trained nor schooled to teach, so I imagine I was really not a good teacher. But I did get encouragement and continued and along the way I began to hone my skills. I wrote lesson plans and curriculum at times and began to understand presentation and learn about things such as body posture, tonal inflection and facial expressions. All of these things contribute to how well people will listen to you.

Along the way I was asked to fill the pulpit when the minister was not there. This duty was shared with others because finding time to study for a full length sermon was a lot to expect from a person who worked full time and had a family which included small children. As time went on I found myself filling larger roles in the teaching ministry and speaking in the pulpit.

At the age of 55 I found myself where I believed was my calling in life. I was asked to lead a group that would redesign and formulate a new way of teaching in a christian education environment. I was very excited as this group met to set down guidelines and benchmarks to guide our development.

Through a number of events, the plan never progressed very far. As I began to look for other areas of ministry, I found that I did not have the same tug on my heart for any ministry I could see. I did still feel the call to foreign missions but there were some major obstacles that I knew could not be removed in order to pursue that call. Some have told me that if I was truly called a way would be made. Well, I seriously believe I had the call and I also know the obstacles are not going to be removed.

Now I could find another place to minster. But not feeling the call I am sure I could not accomplish any success there. And as I observe others step out of their calling of ministry into other roles I cringe. It never seems to be done on key. And it is painful to watch.

You are too kind to ask

Not far from where I live, and about .6 of a mile from where I work is a church of the same fellowship in which I was raised. It is a church that my brother spoke at occasionally while he was a minister in that fellowship of churches. My brother and I looked a like while he was alive. In fact, to strangers, I would say we looked very much alike.

Because of the proximity of that church to my workplace and the nature of my workplace I see a significant number of those that worship at that church when I am working. Nearly all of those who I have come to know from that church are exceptionally loving and friendly people. And each of them has let me know, most of them repeatedly, that if I would come to their church for worship I would be very welcome.

I would say the majority of those who go to that church knew both of my parents, some of them knew my parents better than I knew them. I would say pretty much everyone in the church knew my brother. And they all liked my parents and my brother. Some of them actually know all of my family.

While I have great respect for most of the people who go to church there, I have some serious issues with what is standard rhetoric coming from the pulpit. Remember I spent the first 19 years of my life in a cookie cutter type church. And what is expounded from the pulpit has changed very little since then. I have been in enough services in the intervening years to be very sure of that.

That, in and of itself, is reason for me to not be interested in what I would hear. I believe that what we know is constantly changing and evolving. And to stay with the same ideologies seems to me to be a stalemate and a waste of the amazing ability of our minds.

I understand the concept of the same yesterday, tomorrow and forever, but that is not indicated as a guideline for knowledge but a description of God Himself. God is not content with the lack of progressiveness in our knowledge base and understanding of His creation. I see God as delighting in our finding out more about Him by finding out more about His creation.

But it seems like a large portion of what calls itself fundamental Christian want to hold to a 400 year old interpretation of writings that predate the interpretation by what Christian scholars believe is between 2820 to 3061 years. So after 400 years of investigative and intensive pure scientific and non-religiously biased research coupled with a translation removed from the actual writing date of another 3000 years we want to stake our existence and eternal destiny on thoroughly hypothetical stabs at what the writer(s) intended to convey.  

Well, don’t count me on board. I’ve studied the scientific process for scientific research. I’ve followed the process in my own investigations of phenomena around me and proved the processes work clearly, concisely and conclusively.

I will not argue about such things as whether Adam and Eve lived or not, but I know if they did, they were only a part of a much bigger plan and more spectacular creation via evolution than the writers of Genesis could conceptualize. The writers of that day did not have the knowledge to address the topic of creation, so in fact, they didn’t. Genesis is not a description of the creation of our world and surrounding universe, but is a description of God establishing a relationship with the created human race.

So it is not because I would be unwelcome at the church, but it is because I really don’t wish to sit under someone who will flail me concepts and interpretations that were never truth. I just don’t think I have the time to spend. My time, at this time in life, is too valuable.

But thanks for asking. It means you care and that I value.

Worship

I have been doing a lot of thinking about my faith and my expectations of the routines and events that are incorporated in my faith. I grew up in a very small church which was made of concrete block exposed both externally and internally. It had a flat roof, was a large rectangle in layout, with the main entrance being a square which rose to about half again the height of the church and served as a make believe bell tower. Music was played through 4 large horn speakers which I always imagined drove our very close neighbors bonkers. Inside the church it was extremely sparse. Asphalt tile covered the floor in red and black one foot squares the entire length and width of the church including the nursery, classrooms, rest rooms, office, hall and vestibule out in the “bell tower.”

Long, perhaps 20 feet long, very light in color wood benches stretched across the width of the building’s center with identical benches on each side of perhaps10 feet aligned perfectly. That provided two aisles from front to back which made nearly every type of ceremony awkward. Does the processional come down the left aisle or the right? Go out the right aisle or the left? All of that had to be decided before hand.

The building always seemed cold and uninviting to me. It is the first church I remember attending although I was in at least two others prior to my parents establishing this church as their church home. I only had two pastors while I was there from about kindergarten until I left home for good at the age of 18. The first pastor was very knowledgeable in the scriptures but liked to speak on the wonders of the universe and how amazing it all was. He probably was the only minister in those days that I knew that seemed to have an eye for and an interest in science.

He retired when I was in about the eighth or ninth grade. Our second minister turned out to be a true literalist and a Bible pounding fire and brimstone type of preacher. Long altar calls to the same 30 or 40 people who were so faithful the neighbors could set their clocks by our goings and coming from church. Beat beat beat us up every service like we were sloppy wayward drunks who had left our wives and 13 children at home to fend for themselves. I never liked a single church service after this man came. I grew to detest church. Why anyone would want to join our church was beyond my comprehension.

I left that church to serve a different kind of hard task master, Uncle Sam. I spent 4 years in misery wondering why I did that. When I was released I almost immediately got married to a woman who had been raised in a very similar church and was still going to one. Being told my entire life that if I didn’t marry in THAT fellowship I would face total destruction and heartache I married the first woman who smiled at me.

While I still chaffed at going to those kinds of services, she and I began to build a family and tried hard to tiptoe through and around the church without making too many waves. We left her church for another even more literal church, and then moved out of state to another church of the same mindset. We managed to stay there for all the wrong reasons for 11 years. We again moved out of state and found a church exactly the same only this church had only 12 or 14 people on big Sundays and was an hour’s drive from home, both ways.

We gave it up after a couple of months and in spite of dire warnings of destruction we went to a more normal denominational church to check it out. We liked it and stayed. It was a literalistic church as well, but just not nearly so hard on its membership.

This church looked like a church; it was a steep A-frame design with stained amber full windows with supporting gently curved wood beams inside. The Sanctuary was all wood with a very nice carpet in the aisles. It was traditional in that it had a central aisle that formed a cross. On the outside at the front of the roof was a very high steeple with a cross at the top. It just had the feel of a place of worship to me.


It was during our stay at this church that our children grew up, matured and began to find their own lives and careers. During our time at this church I continued my quest into science and began to diverge away from the main stream of the church thinking. At just over 15 years I decided it was time to move again. My wife did not want to leave. She was involved and had established some true friendships. So we agreed to not let our going to different churches be a problem to us.

One month short of 3 years later I had a serious stroke. In the early hours of the process in the emergency room and acute care facilities it looked like I may not come out of the coma I was in. Why I did I believe I will never know, other than there were 6 local ministers and some others praying for my recovery. I don’t discuss what I believe was the impact of that, but I do believe my recovery, within essentially 3 weeks, was divinely orchestrated.

During my recovery after I was released from medical care my wife graciously provided transportation for me to the church I had been attending. During those weeks and months she began to appreciate the music and message and structure of this new church, and just never returned to our former church.

This new church had a long established congregation that worshiped in a small but traditionally designed and built church. They had constructed a new church building on the outskirts of town that was more all purpose in layout than traditional. It has the feeling of an arena. It has open steel beams near the ceiling and a wrap around balcony where the offices and electronic equipment are housed. It has computerized lighting, sound and projection systems which are very cutting edge. The music in the services is considered to be “choruses” in nature with no traditional song books available. Announcements, words to songs, movies both professional and in house are shown on the two large screens for faster dissemination of information and participation.

Sermons are normally 30 to 45 minutes in length because there are several services in the same place each Sunday morning. Cars in the parking lot are guided in and out by parking attendants making the exit of early goers quick so the late comers can get in quickly. Food and beverage is always available and many take their selections right into the service as if it was a trip to the movies rather than a time of worship.

With multiple ministers and a large support staff the 1700 or so attendees at this church with their children are “serviced” at any level they are comfortable. I really don’t know how all of this will come out in light of eternity, but I see glaring faults in the system. However, it is a long ways beyond the way I was churched in reaching out to the community. And in reality, it is our job to reach, God takes over from there. We have to step back and let that happen.

The reason for this rambling is that my soul has begun to develop a yearning for a more formalized place of worship. I always considered large churches with their Gothic architecture to be places of wonder and when I am in them, I see the magnificent works of many craftsmen’s hands. And while I was raised to worship God and not man, I see the hand of God that worked through these men and women artisans to create the intricately cut and painted and woven and hammered pieces of tiny to enormous objects of worship, and I am awed.

I am planning to be in service at the National Cathedral in Washington DC this coming Sunday, a week away. Every time I walk down that massive central nave I am reminded of the sweeping camera shot of Maria as she walks towards Captain Von Trapp on their wedding day in The Sound of Music. The organ is full volume as it pushes you back into your seat with the instrumental version of “How Do You Solve a Problem like Maria.” I always whisper to myself, what a magnificent place to be married or eulogized.

Part of this process is a shift in what I believe is the functions and values of church. I used to believe church was where the sinner found God. I believed that church was where we were taught Christian principles and received guidance for living a holy life. Church was a place of gathering people together of like faith envelopment for encouragement and bonding. I believed the church was a place where resources came together to be redistributed for the benefit of those who need help. I believed that church was a refuge and a sanctuary from the toils and trials of life.

In my later years I am seeing church differently. All of the things just mentioned are still true, but the roles have changed for me.

I no longer feel that church is the best place for sinners to see God as a savior. I think that is better done outside the church. In the work place. In the market place. At school. At home. At social functions of all kinds. Christians need to stop believing there are appropriate times and places to introduce God to people who don’t know Him, and times and places where it is inappropriate. There is no place or time when introducing people to God is inappropriate.

I also believe that too many have become dependent on being taught Christian principles and guidance for holy living at church. It is still an appropriate and good place. But if all we learn about walking with Christ is what we learn at church, I really don’t think we’ll ever see Him face to face. It simply is not enough. There is not time in church to learn all that needs to be learned.

I am also distressed at how much like the entertainment world the church has become. Nowhere in anyone’s interpretation of scripture do we find God encouraging or outlining entertainment. In God's time, there simply isn’t time for entertainment in the few years we have on earth. And I am weary of church services feeling more like a trip to the carnival than a place of sacred, somber and reflective worship of God.

In my later years I believe I want to be in more solemn places on the Lord’s Day.

Growing up I was exposed to many theological viewpoints by mostly self appointed ministers. I say self appointed because while they claimed a divine call into the preaching and pastoring ministry they eschewed organized theological educational paths and opportunities. Some I was exposed to didn’t even have a secular high school diploma.

The reason I bring that up is to make the point that many of the sermons I heard as a child and a young person were not well constructed, well researched or realistically presented. There was in the limited fellowship of churches my family was a part of only a handful of “acceptable” speakers that were allowed to present sermons in our churches and meetings.

The home I was raised in was spiritually led by our mother who had a keen sense of scripture as presented in the King James translation of the Bible. While it would be a shock to her that environment was for me a double edge sword. I also began to develop a keen sense of scripture but at the same time I was being exposed to current thinking on science under the auspices of a public education system. I brought over that sense and insight of validity of the scriptures into scientifically derived theories and concepts. While the concepts and ideas of evolution in 1962 and 1963 were in their infancy in contrast to 2010 there was enough solid evidence in place that I could see, in my very young and formative mind that evidence was going to be hard to dismiss with the simple interpretation of scriptures we had in the King James Version.

As I attended science class with its cutting edge theories and studied on an eighth grade level it was the beginning of a change in direction for my faith. This change of direction was slight at first. I really don’t know if it would be considered a move left or right. I suppose that since the very fundamentalist sects are considered far right my change of direction was a few points to the left.

In reality my faith compass was pointing distinctly right and my new path was bending back towards the middle.

At one point in my life, when I was in my early 20s I think, the ministry got on the topic of Christmas. While the birth of Jesus is considered one of the pinnacles in the life of a Christian church, the ministry of this fellowship decided it was steeped in paganism and we shouldn’t be observing it like the rest of the world.

Santa Claus was the biggest and first hit, of course. The parroted message that made its way around the churches quickly was “tell your children the lie of Santa clause and when they find out he is not real they will question your telling them of Jesus.”

Based on Jeremiah 10 1-4 (KJV 1 Hear ye the word which the LORD speaketh unto you, O house of Israel: 2 Thus saith the LORD, Learn not the way of the heathen, and be not dismayed at the signs of heaven; for the heathen are dismayed at them. 3 For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a TREE out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe. 4 They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not.) the Christmas tree was the next casualty of the war on Christmas. I really don’t know just how far the ministers and church members went with this elimination of Christmas. In my family it just went as far as the Christmas tree. We didn’t put up anything in the way of decorations unless they had a biblical theme. The manger and the wise men and shepherds with the angels were OK. But no Santas or elves or sleds with reindeer.

I often wonder what happens to the children of such families when they at some point in their life, and it will come, find out that Adam and Eve were not true historical people. Will they reject Jesus as well for the same reasons those taught about Santa would be inclined to do?

Thoughts

For those who know that my friend Wayne Bowyer contacted gilliam berea' syndrome I was able to visit with him again today in Lynchburg. He is almost completely off the respirator and when he is he can talk. His wife, Donna, was there and a friend of Wayne's came in while I was there. We had a nice time together considering the circumstances. Wayne is very tired of being in bed, as anyone who has been in one recovering from anything major understands. The doctors believe at his current rate of recovery he may be back to full function in a year. From what I have seen in my three visits to Lynchburg I think it may be substantially less.I was very encouraged today.

With him no longer needing the respirator and other changes they may be moving him again to a less critical care facility. It would be real nice if they would move him closer to home so his wife, mother, daughter and grandchildren could see him easier. Lynchburg isn't a terrible drive, very pleasant in fact, but it is about and hour and 45 minutes.

Still not completely where I want to be at work yet. Still need to fine tune some of my work habits and help some of my associates to step forward and do more. I am frustrated. I have managed other people in far more stressful environments and haven't had to coax my people along like a mother hen. I realize I dwelt with professionals before, but this job now is so simple I don't understand why they don't grasp the basics. Just need to be clearer I guess in my instructions.

Right now I have a much heavier weight on my heart. I have two friends who I thought I had a good relationship with who seem to not need to keep in touch. Maybe I am just an old foggie and not with it so to speak, but I really miss my friends. My friend in Peru has stayed in touch over the years, about 25 or so since she went so far away. There have been times of long periods of silence between us, but we always catch up and always have such sweet exchanges. I have another friend that lives in a neighboring state that seems to have dropped off the communication wire somehow as well. I have not reached out myself in a while, I guess I need to do that.

But two who are so much a part of my life and huge in my memories are not answering emails. I know one is very busy, the other, I just don't know. I am so afraid I've done or said something very stupid and they have taken offense. I am not sure how to correct it, however.

One of my best friends told me one time there are two kinds of friends. One kind comes into your life for a little while, and because of changes in one or both of your lives falls away to be replaced with other friends. Then there are friends who are friends for life, no matter where life takes you. I may have blurred the lines a bit and want to hold on to all my friends like they are in the second group. And that may be unrealistic.

But this evening I am sad and a little down because I haven't heard from a couple lately. I won't let it keep me down, one should never pin their own happiness to someone else, but it would be real sweet to hear from them.

Now my friend Barb is out of touch sometimes because she is off on amazing adventures which she tries to turn into income, and seems to be doing a pretty good job of it. I know why she is silent at times. Her silence just build excitement in me for when she breaks the silence and tells me about the adventures!!